Ann,

Thank you for the opportunity to edit Seeds of Darkness! I’ve divided this editorial summary roughly by subject, though you may notice some topics blur the lines. This summary explains the philosophy behind many of my comments and should highlight my most significant suggested edits.

Let’s start with discussing your plot!

Plot

You’re in an interesting place with your plot. There are lots of little things (plot holes) that are holding it back. However, you have some very big things you’ve done very well. Let’s start with the plot holes.

I’m an editor. It’s my job to find plot holes. Some of the plot holes I brought up in my comments are small, even negligible. Some of them are more significant, though. Here are some I’d put greater weight on.

1. Are the characters truly in desperate poverty?

If the O’Leary sisters are both well-off and kindhearted, then Oliver and Bernie’s desperate poverty does not make sense. The sisters seem to be retired (so no income) and they survive primarily on seaweed soup (cheap food), which made me initially assume they were poor. However, they can also afford tea and scones each day. They even have fine clothes for children just sitting around (the clothes weren’t sold off to make ends meet). Unless the O’Leary Sisters truly needed income from Oliver and Bernie to survive, then putting two young kids in a position where they need to sell off all their family heirlooms and dig around in garbage heaps seems selfish. On a related note, I observed other details in the story that seemed to contradict Oliver and Bernie’s poverty. Oliver and Bernie never searched their aunt’s house for valuables to sell even though they reached a point where they had to sell The Hobbit. That’s odd to me. Inconsistencies like this undermined my belief that Oliver and Bernie were actually in danger of starvation and took away some of the drama of the story.

2. Seeds as currency—how does that work, specifically?

Since the entire purpose of a crop of barley or wheat is to produce seeds, would those seeds really have value being sold as small packets? It takes about a million wheat seeds to plant one acre of land, and naturally, that acre would produce millions more seeds in a season. A few passing crows could consume several packets worth of wheat seeds, and it would be easy for humans to steal far more without a farmer even noticing. Even forty packets of wheat seeds would only plant a small fraction of one acre. Since refining seeds into flour costs money and effort, seeds should be less valuable than flour, yet presumably, people still bake with flour all the time. That makes this seem economically inconsistent. After further thinking, I believe that seed packets should represent larger quantities of seeds in a seed vault, much like how banknotes represented gold. In that case, those seed packets might need to be sealed by a vault overseer or someone official in such a way that people cannot just put seeds in a bag and claim there is a vault somewhere.

3. Stealing from the seed vault is too easy.

Stealing from the seed vault is the climax of your story, but it doesn’t feel very dangerous and the characters don’t have to do anything impressive to accomplish it. If the seed vault is truly a secure government facility, why don’t the security guards even bother verifying the identity of the people who enter? Also, how does adding more people to the mission increase Elin’s odds of success? Wouldn’t each additional person trying to sneak in increase the chances that one of them is spotted and security guards investigate the whole group? Especially with Bernie being blind and P.B. not being a child, the odds of one of them drawing attention to themselves by accident is high. It feels as though the incompetence of the teacher and the guards is what allows the mission to be successful rather than any creativity or skill from the heroes—and that makes the climax far less rewarding.

One possible way of getting around this might be for the characters to split up more and accomplish different things. Perhaps Oliver and Elin have a plan for breaking in (without the help of Bernie or PB), but Bernie and PB secretly follow and PB and Bernie have to create a diversion to prevent Oliver and Elin’s plan from failing. Slygoe would likely observe this, then would grab Bernie as a hostage after Oliver and Elin have left and take Bernie in with him to confront Oliver and Elin (without alerting the guards, since he would want the secret of the book to stay with him). This is, of course, just one possibility. Perhaps Bernie and PB have to use one of PB’s inventions to literally break Oliver and Elin out of prison or a freezing storage room. Perhaps Elin decides to go on her own and it’s the other three who follow to save her from a mishap. There are many ways of doing this, but I think this heist could be more dramatic and let the heroes shine more!

These are some of the more important plot holes that affected my enjoyment of the story. With that said, many of my in-text comments about realism will be on smaller things, and I want to acknowledge that realism is not the end-all-be-all. Sometimes, realism makes a story less entertaining. It’s okay to bend the rules! My advice, though, would be to bend the rules of realism subtly and with restraint whenever possible. If a story feels unrealistic, then readers will feel as though the characters aren’t actually earning their successes, and that takes away the drama of a story.

These plot holes are hindering the story’s consistency and believability. But to me, none of them truly threaten the core of your plot or the heart of your story. That’s why I feel confident in saying, despite these plot holes, that you’re doing some big things right and have a good plot overall. Here is what I’m seeing that I really like . . .

First, your plot’s objective is personal to the characters and to the reader. What could be more personal to the protagonist than saving his only remaining family member? And what could be more personal to the reader, who has also learned to love Bernie? Also, by tying the search for the cure to Auntie Marvel, the quest feels even more personal. Though the characters do want to share their cure with the world, the story doesn’t focus on saving the world so much as saving the person right in front of our eyes—and to be honest, that’s more emotionally powerful.

Second, your plot has layers, with internal and external stakes. The themes of faith, trust, and hope are interwoven with the story and with Oliver’s character arc. While I included comments about wanting more subtlety and not forcing the theme, don’t get the wrong idea—I love that you have a theme and the theme feels well-chosen for the characters and the story.

Third, your plot’s objective is very clear: make the journey, discover the cure, and save Bernie. Readers can clearly tell when your characters are making progress or when they are in danger of failing. That’s important in all fiction, but it’s especially valuable when writing for younger audiences such as middle grade. (Also, I’d like to add that clarity is not the same as “straightforward and boring.” While your characters’ goal is clear, the route they take to get there is unpredictable. That’s exactly what I like to see in a plot!)

All in all, your plot holes have given your story some flat tires, but the engine’s a good one. And tires are much easier to fix than an engine!

The Protagonist: Oliver

I have similar thoughts about your characters as I have about the plot. Your characters are good, but there are some inconsistencies and hindrances that are holding back their potential. Oliver is the first example that comes to mind. I think he could go from being a solid protagonist to being a truly excellent protagonist if a few areas are refined further.

First, let me share my quick breakdown of Oliver. Oliveris a smart and observant protagonist who loves and protects his sister. He’s very admirable, but also flawed. He struggles to trust others and to be honest and open with people, even his sister. His reasoning is sympathetic—he wants to shield his sister from fear and he wants to shield them both from Bernie doing something reckless. That said, this inability to trust people isolates him, puts him under a lot of pressure, and even causes tension in his relationship with Bernie. That’s a very believable characterization with lots of intriguing wrinkles to explore!

Oliver’s Lies and Oliver’s Relationships

Sometimes, Oliver makes grand promises to Bernie to keep her spirits up (e.g., on page 51 where he tells Bernie “Just think, Seedy Town is waiting with warm beds and more food than our bellies can hold”). At other times, Oliver talks Bernie down from her hopefulness with skepticism (e.g., Oliver repeatedly belittling the concept of blessings).

What is Oliver’s goal, exactly? Does he want Bernie to keep her spirits up so he tells her things he doesn’t believe? Or is he trying to bring down her optimism a notch so she won’t be as reckless (or disappointed by things)? Oliver’s approach feels inconsistent.

Now, I do want to draw a distinction between a character being inconsistent in a bad way and a character being inconsistent because they are internally conflicted. I could totally see Oliver being internally conflicted about this: sometimes trying to cheer Bernie up, other times trying to rein her in. But I’d like it to feel like Oliver is aiming for the same goal in both circumstances. Right now, it feels like Oliver is sometimes encouraging wild optimism in the face of difficulties and other times discouraging celebration of tangible blessings. That feels like too wide a range to make sense. I see three potential solutions here.

The first solution is to figure out the “sweet spot,” the level of optimism/skepticism that Oliver wants Bernie to have, and to have Oliver’s words and actions consistently push Bernie in that direction. For instance, instead of being as strongly optimistic about Seedy Town, Oliver might express hope that there will be plenty of food there without outright promising it. That would make the swing between optimism and skepticism less drastic.

The second solution would be to have Oliver weigh whether false optimism or skepticism would be more strategic in a given circumstance. To make Oliver’s waffling feel more intentional. In the process, you might make the extreme optimism and pessimism on either end a bit less extreme, but you’d still allow Oliver to be inconsistent because Oliver is thinking about short-term motivation for Bernie rather than long-term preparing her to have an accurate perspective. Of course, eventually, Oliver would learn to have both honesty and hope.

The third solution, and the one that I think would be most interesting, would be for Oliver to consistently try to keep Bernie optimistic but sometimes fail because his heart just isn’t in it. He might stumble in his words, be unable to find something encouraging to say, accidentally let slip a doubt or fear and try to cover it up, etc. A major theme of the story is Oliver lying to protect himself and Bernie, or lying to Bernie in hopes of protecting her. On page 19, you mention Oliver’s inner skepticism about their success and his loneliness in keeping this fear to himself. I loved that moment! And I think you could lean into that and develop it more.

Oliver believes the lie that he has to be strong and protect Bernie all by himself because nobody else is trustworthy and/or strong enough. He’s taking on the burden of being Bernie’s parents and he doesn’t have any friends he can confide in. That’s a very noble lie to believe, and one that I (as the oldest sibling in my family) can relate to, but it is a lie, and it’s what’s holding Oliver back this entire story. That fear of trusting others (and the crushing responsibility on his shoulders) is an excellent conflict! I think that lying in order to avoid being vulnerable to others is something you could lean into and explore further.

I see the framework of this theme present in the story. There are moments of Oliver learning to trust Elin, P.B., and other friends who walk alongside him and lighten the burden. Oliver and Elin have some heart-to-heart moments, but I think one or two more meaningful one-on-one conversations between them—perhaps where Oliver can share his fears and feelings in this area—could really go a long way in developing their friendship.

Oliver’s relationship with Bernie is even more important to all this. There is a moment (after escaping Slygoe) where Oliver resolves to stop lying to Bernie, be honest with her, and trust her to help him (and not just shield her from the truth). But this resolution isn’t really delivered on. We never see that heart-to-heart conversation between Oliver and Bernie, so this is treated as a small side thought rather than a climactic moment in Oliver’s character arc.

The relationship between Oliver and Bernie is at the heart of this story. I think that refining this aspect of Oliver and how he relates to Bernie could take all the things readers love about those characters and make their dynamic even better.

Being Helped vs. Choosing to Trust

I just talked about how important it is for Oliver to admit his need for help from others (and that I want that explored more). What I say next might feel like a contradiction, but hear me out: Oliver and Bernie are helped too much, to the point that it’s taking away from their agency.

Oliver is the protagonist and Bernie is the next most important character, so their decisions should be driving the story forward. They’re the heroes, after all! While in real life, it’s wise for children to defer to adults and let them take the lead, a story where the protagonist simply defers to adults and doesn’t take action or make decisions for himself is boring. And right now, while Oliver certainly makes a lot of important decisions himself, there are a few too many moments where it feels like adults are stepping in and taking control of the story’s direction—and Oliver and Bernie are just along for the ride.

Let me contrast two examples. First example: The O’Leary sisters protecting Oliver and Bernie and sending them off. The two sisters are hilarious, and I don’t have a problem with the broad strokes of how they deal with Slygoe’s thugs. But from the moment the sisters come up with their idea to hide Oliver and Bernie, Oliver and Bernie lose their influence on the plot. The sisters don’t seek Oliver or Bernie’s input, and the children simply go where the sisters direct them without comment.

Contrast this with their encounter with Brother Francis. Oliver makes multiple decisions about how to handle that situation (we’ll take food from this garden, I’ll stand watch, I’ll observe this strange gathering from a safe distance, I’ll choose to take a risk and introduce myself to this mysterious stranger who seems to have treated us kindly, I’ll ask the stranger questions to get helpful information). Oliver is present and active in his interactions with Brother Francis, so even though Brother Francis is helping Oliver, it feels like Brother Francis is leaving the initiative to Oliver and that Oliver’s decisions matter to the story.

The kindness of others is a blessing that plays into the story’s themes of faith and gratitude. The kindness of others is huge for Oliver’s character arc of growing in trusting others. But I believe you can honor those themes while still giving Oliver meaningful choices.

Two significant choices Oliver could make in the context of others helping him are offering help and asking for help. In Oliver’s interaction with Brother Francis, he does both of those things (offering to weed to pay for the food and asking for information). Simply giving Oliver and Bernie other ways of taking charge in a scene would also help. For instance, what if when Oliver and Bernie find out the thugs are on their way, they decided to run (and risk being seen) so that the O’Leary sisters wouldn’t be caught in a fight with the thugs? That would give Oliver and Bernie some agency in the scene. The O’Leary sisters could still step in with their idea and save them, but it would be more of a conversation rather than an O’Leary monologue. Afterward, Oliver or Bernie could come up with the idea of going to their aunt’s place (again, creating dialogue rather than just the O’Learys telling them what to do).

In his interaction with Mercy, Oliver initiates contact by attempting to steal some pears, so I feel better about Mercy offering help there, but once they reach the tavern there is a stretch where Oliver is mostly just observing other peoples’ actions. I wonder if Oliver and Bernie might try to help Mercy sell her pears (which aren’t rotten, so it seemed odd that the Innkeeper would run her out of his inn without even looking?). Oliver and Bernie going out of their way to help Mercy and build that friendship would also make Mercy’s later appearance (where she helps make sure Bernie stays safe while Oliver is gone) feel more natural.

With P.B., there are also some moments near the end of the book where he takes charge and acts as the self-appointed leader. I think I’d rather see him play the role of a quirky mentor, offering advice but not making the decisions. Oliver and/or Elin should be the ones making the key decisions at the end of the story—this is the climax of their arcs, not P.B.’s.

Short Notes on Other Major Characters

Bernie

I really enjoyed Bernie! The concept of a disabled little girl who is sweet and optimistic has been done before—sometimes to the offense of disabled readers. Disabled people don’t like being put on a moral pedestal or being babied. I believe that, the vast majority of the time, Bernie avoided those problems, and that’s because she is a complex and dynamic character.

Bernie is sweet and optimistic, but sometimes she’s naïve, stubborn, reckless, and even gets frustrated with her circumstances and with her brother. She’s talented at playing the flute and has quirky observations about life. She teases her big brother. She feels like a real person, and many of my favorite moments with Oliver happened because of Bernie. She’s an excellent supporting character readers genuinely care about—not just a simple checkbox of motivation for the protagonist.

While I had comments for fine-tuning certain scenes with this character, honestly, the biggest issue I saw with her, specifically, is that there are some scenes where she feels forgotten. She’s technically present in the scene but not described or referenced (which feels odd, because she can have such an engaging presence on the page). This ties in to something I’ll mention later about wanting more descriptions, but for now, know that I’m a Bernie fan and would like to see her more!

Slygoe

Slygoe is a solid villain. He feels unambiguously evil without feeling cartoonish. (His thugs are cartoonish, but he usually doesn’t rely on them for the most important work, so that’s fine.) I think there were some plot holes to his actions—most notably, the time he threatened Oliver at the inn and then set a fire to try to kill them. Such a fire would have destroyed the book, too (his primary objective). Following Oliver and Bernie when they leave town and attacking them when they’re far away from town, alone on the road, seems like the obvious move. Perhaps Oliver would anticipate that and try to find someone to travel with for safety? Maybe that’s even how they meet Elin?

I also think that Slygoe’s motivation—his tenebris—could be leaned into more. A villain can have a sympathetic motivation but still be evil. It could be fascinating to see Slygoe’s increasing desperation as his symptoms begin to grow. Here’s a rich and powerful man, used to getting his way, who is nonetheless unable to protect himself from this feared disease. Showing Slygoe’s selfish pursuit of a cure could be a powerful contrast to Bernie’s kindness, patience, and choice to trust in others to help her.

Elin

Elin is an interesting character, and there are some moments with her (especially her conversations with Oliver) that I really liked. I think she could use a little more development, though, particularly her relationship with Oliver. We know her and Bernie are close to each other, but that mostly happened off-screen, so it’s hard for the reader to get attached to Elin since they aren’t spending meaningful time with her as much. I think it could be really interesting if Oliver and Elin had one or two more meaningful conversations. Also, while Elin doesn’t have to have a major character arc, do you have one in mind for her? Or perhaps, just lean into the plot arc of how significant it is to her to carry on the legacy of her parents? Robbing the vault is a climax for her story, and I’d like to see Elin shine more in that climax. Again, more details in the manuscript comments!

Dialogue

Sometimes, your dialogue really shines. Oliver and Bernie have a great sibling dynamic that sometimes comes through especially well in dialogue. Your characters also have a quirky and humorous wisdom, the ability to turn a phrase in a way that makes readers both chuckle and think deeply. I really enjoy that!

With that said, there are times when it feels like your dialogue is too obviously trying to convey information to move the story along. Places where the dialogue lacks personality and emotion and feels more like a narrator summarizing or explaining information than what your characters would actually say. One example of this is when Oliver finds the captain in the garbage heap and the captain gives Oliver matter-of-fact information rather than reacting emotionally to the situation. I think this issue ties to my concern with the pacing.

Pacing and Writing Style

You are a concise author, which is overall a very good thing! It means your story doesn’t wander off on irrelevant side tangents. It feels clean, focused, and purposeful. The downside, though, is that occasionally you make your scenes so concise that you skim past the descriptions and emotions of the scene. The descriptions feel cursory, not capturing the tone and feel of the scene—or worse, almost left out entirely. Some examples include the end of the seaweed gathering scene and the captain in the trash heap scene.

I know you’re capable of immersive descriptions (for instance, p. 51 description Auntie Marvel’s house), you just sometimes seem in too much of a rush to bother with them. That’s a shame! I’d love to read more of your descriptions to set the tone for scenes. This story ranges from grim to whimsical, from hopeful to heartbroken. Even scenes without a strong specific emotion can feel emotive with the right description.

Moments like Oliver taking time to sketch and clear his mind, Oliver listening to the wind outside his aunt’s house as the candlelight flickers, Oliver listening to the sound of men talking and insects chirping as he falls asleep in the camp . . . moments like these made me feel like I was in the scene with Oliver, seeing the world through his eyes, feeling his same mood and emotions. I love the scenes like these where you ground us in the setting, set the tone, and really help us feel the emotion of the characters. I’d like to read more of that.

I’d also note that there are some times when it feels like a whole scene is left out, such as when Oliver escapes Slygoe and meets up with Bernie and Elin, then resolves he will be honest with Bernie from now on. That’s a great character moment, but it’s never delivered on—we never see that heart-to-heart conversation. A moment like that deserves some good mood-setting descriptions (and a full conversation)!

Tone

Connecting to the value of descriptions for setting the tone, descriptions also help pace tonal shifts. There are points in this story where the transitions between tones felt rushed. Sometimes I didn’t feel settled into the characters’ grief after a setback. Sometimes I didn’t feel the buildup to a joyous moment, so it felt rushed, less well-earned.

One major example is when the cure doesn’t work right away, and Bernie’s eyesight is gone. She says, “no more blessings for me,” but that’s about all that is said. We don’t get Oliver’s emotions or thoughts in the moment. There isn’t any heart-to-heart conversation between the siblings. We don’t get to see the other characters’ reactions. We just rush ahead to planning the seed vault heist.

Another example is when the cure does work at the end. It feels so sudden, complete, and out-of-nowhere that it feels a bit unearned. It also feels more like an afterthought tacked-on at the end rather than the conclusion to the heart of the story. I’d like Bernie’s recovery to be a bit slower so it doesn’t feel cheap, but more importantly, I’d like the realization that she will live (and see again) to hit us deep in Oliver’s POV. What does this moment feel like for him? Set the tone with the descriptions and show us with his thoughts and actions!

Side note: here’s an article I wrote about “book time” and “reader time” in stories that’s relevant to this discussion: https://inkswordediting.com/what-are-book-time-and-reader-time/

Themes

The concept of “show, don’t tell” is especially important when communicating story themes. I mentioned this earlier, but your story does a good job of showing its themes of hope, gratitude, and trust. My one concern is that there are times when after you show those themes well, you try to tell them, too, trying too hard to drive the themes home. Overexplaining the message risks coming across as preachy and makes a theme feel forced even when it’s a good theme and fits the story well.

Even though your readers are young, they’re smart enough to understand the themes. Respect your readers’ intelligence and let them make those connections for themselves—that way, they’ll enjoy the story more and be more likely to internalize the message and take it to heart! I’ve included comments in-text where I think the telling of the theme can be dialed back.

Fit for Audience

I thought you did a good job of writing for this age group! The older brother and younger sister dynamic felt very real and relatable. Both the characters felt competent and heroic but also felt like kids. The plot felt like a good fit as well. Good stuff!

Setting and Worldbuilding

The world is fairly grim but the characters are not. I like that. Your characters have this whimsical and quirky humor sprinkled with wisdom, and it’s delightful. It comes up among a variety of characters, but rather than making all the characters feel the same, I feel as though that’s the sort of humor and wisdom prevalent in your story world and culture.

Overall, your world feels rich, real, and lived-in. However, at the end of the story, I did have nagging questions about some holes or inconsistencies in the world.

First, what are Truthminders? What are their values? Their goals? What is their history? Are they the official government, or are they more like a powerful organization that influences the government (such as the Ku Klux Klan was)? Do Truthminders have ranks and does a Head Truthminder make the big decisions? Are they more like representatives or council members? Or are they very decentralized? How does someone become a Truthminder? The Truthminders are established as villains of sorts, but I feel like I barely have a rough idea of what they are. I think they are cool villains, but I’d like them fleshed out more!

Next, Seedy Town was described as a deathtrap, and its gateway is crowded and heavily guarded, but once people were inside, it didn’t seem any more dangerous than where Bernie and Oliver grew up. The main reason it was dangerous was because Slygoe and Boneheart were there, but Slygoe was in their hometown too, so that doesn’t feel like enough reason to call the place a deathtrap.

Is Seedy Town well-known for rounding up orphans? Is that practice more widespread than just Boneheart tricking a few of them? Is Seedy Town a place with gangs of some kind? Or perhaps a particularly oppressive Truthminder government? People might still flock there despite dangers if there is wealth to be found there. I think the drama and danger of Seedy Town could be developed more.

One major worldbuilding question/concern I have has to do with the magic system of this world. After reading the full book, I still can’t say I have a feel for what magic is like in your world as a whole. “Thin places” are mentioned a few times in this book, but magic/otherworldly things almost never show up. We aren’t even given descriptions of magic being at work in this world. Do people believe in magic? Are there any well-known examples of magical creatures, objects, or events? Can people learn to control magic—if so, how? Or is magic viewed similarly to how we view it now?

Right now, I only see two clear sources of magic: the Attic of Opportunities and Plato.

I love the concept of the Attic of Opportunities and I think it could make a wonderful short story or novella . . . but it feels very out-of-place to me in this story. Seeds of Darkness’s plot is more gritty and realistic. I can’t imagine how hundreds of pigeons could fly to and from P.B.’s house without being noticed and without bombing the entire area with droppings. Pigeons would also be unable to deliver opportunities inside a building or out at sea. And the idea of opportunities being carried about is very abstract.

If this were a whimsical and chaotic magical world, I wouldn’t care about these “realism” details because the concept would entertain me and fit the tone and style of the story! Again, I genuinely love the concept! But in a story where gritty survival is a common thread, it feels out of place to me.

Plato feels much less out of place. I know he’s something rare—whatever Plato is, he doesn’t seem to be something Oliver has heard of before. Slygoe also considers Plato to be very valuable, which adds to that sense of rarity. And since Plato is telepathic, most people wouldn’t have to know he could talk. That feels like the sort of mysterious magic that could exist under-the-radar for most ordinary people. I also feel that Plato’s tone and style fits the story’s serious side while also embracing a hint of the whimsical.

I would like more references to magic to give me a few more data points besides Plato, though. I think he belongs in the story, but I think he shouldn’t be alone as the only sign of magic. That makes him feel like too much of an anomaly. I’d also want to know what the average person in this world thinks of magic. Giving readers a small taste of what magic is like in this world will help prepare them for future books (where I assume it features more prominently). If future books have far more magic than book one, readers might feel blindsided without some foreshadowing there.

Conclusion

Thank you, Ann, for sharing this wonderful story with me and entrusting me with the task of being your editor. I hope the level of detail I’ve provided here doesn’t come across as overwhelming or discouraging. I truly enjoyed this story and am passionate about the characters, and that’s a big reason why I took so long to write this long editorial summary. You are not a first-time writer, so I thought you’d be able to handle detailed feedback on the finer details of your story.

This edit includes a free half-hour post-edit consultation for any follow-up questions you may have. Maybe you’d like me to elaborate on something. Maybe you have questions or counter-arguments to some of my editing suggestions you’d like to discuss. Whatever you’d like to do, you have a half hour of my time by either email or by phone!

Thanks again, and wishing you all the best as you continue to craft this delightful story.

Sincerely,

Tim